What is going on with you my love??? I feel and know there's something wrong, just I don't know why you don't want share it with me... Did you forgot you can tell me everything? I told you, you can count on me... I told you I'll always stay by your side whatever happens... It cannot be so bad... Come on talk to me!!! Please!!!

 

 

José, my love,

It's -4 in Belgrade, it's snowing, Slavija is illuminated by Christmass lights, JAT-bus departures from there every 60 minutes, everything is the same, just you are not here anymore...

I miss you my love, but I am not sad. You know, I still have the picture in my mind... you and I in the hotel room, I look into your eyes, they are deep and dark and deep inside them is sleeping love. And I saw it for the first time... I saw love in your eyes. And we were dreaming... about river, little wood house, you and I... you remember? It was the momemt of clear happiness, you remember we were crying and you know what means when somebody makes you cry for happiness.

It is not necessary anymore to look and see myself in reflection of your eyes, your hands are not necessary to cuddle my cheek and hug me tightI. I don't need the lips to feel the warmth of every kiss, you don't have to say "I love you"... I don't need anything, I already have everything... You love me...

And heart knows everything in advance, even if we surrender sometimes,even if we know that we want more than we can do now, even if we know that we will suffer, even if we know... everything in advance... the only important is to have faith, to believe in each other, to believe in us... to believe that we will live everything what we were dreaming about. And that's why it is worth while to wake up every morning.

Always, forever...

Your Nataša

 

 

I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE

Maybe I spend every night awake,
thinking of you,
but I don’t love you anymore...
And for me there is no one,
in the whole world better than you are,
but I really don’t need you...
I don’t care about you,
actually you are not my type,
and of course I am not in love with you...
Ok, I stare at display every few seconds,
but I don’t expect anything from you,
and I really don’t love you anymore...
Ok, maybe I carry your picture everywhere,
but of course I don’t love you anymore...
Your eyes are dark and deep,
your lips are so soft,
but  I am not in love with you...
And to me you're like the air,
so essential,
so needed,
but I don’t want you anymore...
And I have to tell you one more time,
even if it will break your heart,
that i don’t love you anymore!
Actually, I don’t care about you,
you are not my type,
and of course...
I am not in love with you!

 

After all these cold, winter days, sun finally decided to give us the pleasure, and people like the ants crept out to the streets, all that happy people, with their smiling faces... It was one of those days when you can feel the joy in the air…
On my face there is no smile anymore, it disappeared, it passed away, somehow... It passed away and gave the place to empty look... And where I should looking? In future?... What future? Sometimes i think that i envy to the people who are happy, or who at least pretend they are... I even can't pretend anymore!
Alone... between these four walls... which narrow day by day and which are taking me an air.
Alone... even beside careful calls of friends... beside a book which can't wait to be read... Alone while the pill is carefully sinking into my belly, carefully like it knows that there is no cure for this my sickness...
Alone... while i am looking raindrops on window... drops which every time attempt to wash off everything what is impossible to be washed…
Alone... i am looking for the truth, and every time when i am near it, it flies away, like it knows that it can kill me.So alone… like nobody else… and it is my future… I don’t need such future! Loneliness is taking away every my thought… to incorporate it in all this blackness… and it is killing me…

 

Can you remember
how happy we could be?
And can you remember
how high we could fly?
We could touch the stars
if there was enough courage,
we could cross the Earth,
if there was enough long bridge,
we could change the world
if there was enough love...
We could...
I don’t know what happened,
and I don’t want to ask you,
without courage to hear the truth
and afraid of listening more lies...
Everything what we had was false,
false words…
false smile…
false kisses…
and the most beautiful false eyes…
Come on!
Make me happy and destroy me one more time,
give me hope and take it to me again,
take me to the heaven and send me back here,
just help me to forget how badly I loved…
your words…
your smile…
your kisses…
and your beautiful false eyes...

 

Good bye my love...

If I tell you I have never been happy with you I would lie. There were few moments, rare but unforgetable. You made me happiest person in the world, then you destroyed all my dreams in only one day. And you are still doing that...

Excelsior: the most horrible place in the world….but at the end I didn’t care about stupid woman from reception, about what somebody can think about me, I didn’t mind a place… because I was in your arms and you hugged me and we were enough to each other…

 

Zlatibor: we were in wonderful place, we had wonderful home, we walked, we had our bank near the lake…

When you kissed me, lips, front, cheek... and when you told me that I am your girlfriend, your lover, your friend… and that’s what I really wanted to be...

 

Mokra gora: when you were in the balcony, cleaning ladies in our room, I came to you, I hugged you, and you hugged me too... We had beautiful little willage downstears…

When we drank a beer in the same balcony, sitting on the carpet, we had beer, "palitos", sky full of stars and we had each other… and again, I didn’t need anything else.

 

Perucac: coffee, juice, chocolate… we wanted to sit at balcony but it was raining and we went inside, we were sitting together, you took my hand and I was happy again and in that moment I felt that we are really together…. Home, coffee, you and I talking... happiness…

Next day we were sitting at the beach, you behind me, hugging me and we didn’t talk…. And I was sad all the time because I knew that you are sitting with me , but your mind was wandering… you were thinking about taking a bout, about rafting, about what we are going to do next…. And again I needed only you and I could stay there with you forever, at that little beach…

 

Then you became selfish and cruel...

We went to Portugal and Spain and I was not happy anymore...

And I will never be again...

 

 

This love is killing me, and you know why my only one? I see you cannot feel me, you cannot feel who I am and what I need, or maybe you can but you don’t want to let me be happy. Sometimes it seems like you enjoy in my weakness and vulnerability… And that’s just because you want to prove something to yourself. But love should be stronger than anything else!

When people say that love is giving without fear, that it is never jealous, they are right... It is when you are happy when you see your loved one smiling, it is when you try everything to make him happy, when you are listening, watching and looking a way to do that but without anybody to tell you what to do, when you know his wishes, needs, fears… And if you one day feel that for somebody you can say you love that person. And according to this I can say I truly love you!!!

When we are happy we should divide it with each other… but… If we are sad, we need to divide that too… If I cry maybe I need you to stay besides me, maybe you should hug me, maybe we should speak… but you cannot leave me in the dark and go watching TV… Maybe sometimes I don’t need sex, maybe I need to make love with you…. Maybe I don’t need de-luxe dinner, but I need to sit with you by the ocean and watching sunset… Maybe I don’t need expensive things, but maybe I need some surprise, maybe I need you to prepare something for me, to light candles for me, to buy me a flower….

And that’s all… I don’t need so much to be happy with you…

Now, my self confidence is completely destroyed, and I need to recover it somehow…
And I want to be happy again… and I need to smile… to be beautiful again… to wish to be beautiful… to wish to go out, to see people again, to have fun… to feel alive again...

Here i am again! Wow, it's been a long time since i didn't write. So many things happened, i don't know how to start now.

Early in the morning… news about attempt of hijacking airplane in Havana… you are still unavailable… Where are you? It is not possible that something happened to you, we were happy, you have to be ok, you will come back!

Yes, you told me “I will be back at Thursday”, it is Friday my love and I still don’t know anything about you. No calls, no e-mails, nothing… And I felt something, I knew something will happen… awake all night, I was checking mobile in every five minutes… unavailable… still unavailable... And you know what is killing me too? I was jealous! I thought you don’t want to call me, I thought you have delayed the flight… because of someone like you did once because of me… Yes, I am stupid sometimes, I have never told you I am perfect…

And then I heard… 2 Cuban soldiers attempted hijacking the plane, they took a bus, seizing several hostages. They killed one of them, one Cuban military officer. TV says that in the operation to end the attempted hijacking and the gun battle none of the other hostages were apparently harmed. At least I know you are safe… but I don’t know… even the thought that you were there, that you have gone through something like that… it’s terrible to me…

Sweetheart, whatever happened I will be here, I will be waiting for you and we will forget this together… Just call me! And come back home! Please! I cannot lose you, not now when I finally found you. And if I was not sure, now I am. I love you! I love you with all my heart! I don’t want to hide it anymore, I don’t care about people, I don’t care what they will say… because they speak and they always will! And you know what… if I must I will repeating them every day how much I love you! And I will do my best to make you happy, I will do my best to save “us”, just please come back home! And forgive me because I didn’t believe you… forgive me because i have hurt you so much...

 

I keep for you ocean, sun and moon,
I don’t know where ends this way,
Just let it go and we will know soon,
Please don’t tell me how long you can stay...

I keep for you sky full of stars,
Every nigh and every day,
I will let you rest in my arms,
Just don’t ask how long I can stay...

3 days my dear, i didn't hear you, i don't know anything about you. And i know you are far away from home, you can't call me, but how alone i feel! Alone among all these people... alone in this wonderful world... Because you are the only one who knows me so good, you don't need to say anything, it is enough when you look at me... it is enough my hand in yours... it is enough only one your smile... and i am not alone anymore... I wish you were here!


WISH YOU WERE HERE

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Pink Floyd (lyrics by Roger Waters)



VOLELA BIH DA SI OVDE

Tebi se, dakle, čini da možeš razlikovati
pakao od nebesa
plavetno nebo od bola ili besa?
Možeš li razlikovati zelene doline
i ledne čelične šine?
Osmeh i veo crnine?
Ti, je li, znaš šta ih deli?

A jesu li te naterali da trampiš
svoje heroje za aveti?
Pepeo za drveće?
Fraze za šaku plaveti?
Topao komfor za sveži lahor?
I jesi li menjao svoju
ulogu običnog pešadinca meðu neznancima
za glavnu rolu u lancima?

Volela bih da te opet vidim.
Jer mi smo samo izgubljene duše koje neko osudi
da plivaju u posudi za zlatne ribice
iz godine u godinu, noću i danju
prelazeći istu putanju.
I šta smo nalazili na mahove?
Iste stare strahove.
Da volela bih da te vidim.

- Because they starts in head, not in heart
- Because sending of e-mails, sms, mms can make people bored in short time
- Because everything seems too good when it is not visible
- Because we start to believe that the intangible excites us
- Because we feel, led by our own egoism
- Because flight is too short and fall too painful
- Because damn internet-connections sometimes fuck us without mercy
- Because our own suspicions are always what destroys us
- Because almost everyone are married, but they export the movie they are not
- Because we take everything too seriously

And what Oscar said?

"Life is too important to be taken so seriously”  

Think about it…

Only few times in his life man thinks he is not alone. And at that time he really isn’t because he has this thought. In all the other moments of his life he is alone. And when you just think how many people have lived their lives without passing the ways of their own mind. They don’t care. They surrender to gravitation and of course I don’t care about them…

All of them were shuddering in nights of loneliness. In fact loneliness is not so terrible thing, sometimes it can be your best friend. Of course it can be your worst enemy too. As you wish! But have on your mind, nobody who took it like enemy didn’t leave this world with smile. And more nobody of them didn’t live with smile. Seems terrible… but no! It is not! It is not terrible. It is not sad too. But it is simply unfriendly. And why would we ignore friends if we need them? When we are in trouble, when we are depressed, apathetic, nervous… how we can be sure that all those “friends” will not leave us? Yes we can! We can be sure in only one of them – in loneliness. And it’s why all of that unfriendly people are always unhappy. Because they are alone. And who is guilty? They ignored friendship… Of course I don’t care about them!

And what about those who are friendly? They are not happy too. Or maybe they are. I don’t know. Depends what they convinced themselves. Those who think they are happy, they live good. Not happy! Good! They are satisfied. And it is good. They are calm, they live good and long. And they don’t have fear of years. What time means if you have friends? They have only one fear… to be alone. It is easy if you are alone with loneliness. It’s hard to be alone without it. But I don’t care about them too.

Those who think that they are unhappy, they don’t love good. They… they live… They live with loneliness. And they don’t care. They are sad. And they love to be sad. And it is not point to live with friend. You can live good enough with enemy too. The only important is to not be alone. And they don’t mind! So…I don’t care about them too!
And what can I do??? I live good. I am happy and satisfied. And what can I do if I feel good? And I don’t care about all of you! I don’t care about this world too! Because I feel good! And I am happy! Because I know who is my friend! And I know to live! And you??? Do you know??? What do you know???

This night... it is cold and stormy, it smells of rain... one of those nights when i need you so much, to hold your hand, to slink into your hug, to squat down besides you and stay there foe a while... And you, you are in far Jerusalem, exhausted of work, probably you are sleeping. I just wonder, do you think of me sometimes, and am i present in your dreams tonight...

 

I think this is the right moment to write few lines about you… I wanted to do it a long time ago, but I was not sure what to say, what to think… And I am not sure yet. Perfect stranger who came uninvited into my life… without any questions or doubts... I didn’t have time to turn around and you were already here, with me… Everything what you have done and said… it still confuses me so much…

On the one side there is an interesting man, someone who knows to say the right word in the right moment, someone who never stops, who never complain, who is successful and satisfied, but too much ambitions to say enough. The man with great self confidence, patient, persisting, headstrong…

On the other side you are kind, patient man, full of love, someone who cares of me, who knows to listen and speak right at time when it is expected of you. I have never felt so sure as I feel in your hug… like nothing and nobody can hurt me anymore… You love sitting with me on the fortress and watching the place where the Sava meets Danube. You love to see me smiling and you enjoy when you know that you are the reason of my smile. You love resting in my arms while I am talking to you and cuddle your cheek…

And you don’t know, my dear, you don’t know how confused I am. In the fact I don’t know you, but I want to know you. Last few days I am thinking of some stupid things, I am full of fears and doubts… and there is always the same question “Will you come back?” I need you badly, need to see you, to walk with you, talk to you, need to kiss you again, more than anything I need to hug you… At the end I know, you will come back if you really want it, if not I can just wish you all the best…

 

 

What i have done... i can't find some excuse as much as i am trying to find it... There is someone in my life, someone special, someone who makes me feel good... Even i can say he makes me feel happy... I have never met someone so similar to me...
And i don't have courage to speak, i am afraid that something will happen, i am afraid i will lose him, i feel and know i must let him go soon... let him to follow his dreams... And his dreams are far away, far away from me, far away from this country... far away... For now we have these rare moments made of clear love and happiness... and that's all...

 

What a weather! Cold, rainy day… everything is grey around me… grey sky, grey buildings, grey people… But I am happy! And I smile! I don’t have some particular reason, just I am full of energy and hope… And I know, everything is gonna be all right again, simply I feel it in my heart. It has to be!