I can't allow it.
I just... won't have it.
If we truly have free will, why does our will depend on something higher?
I believe in choice. And this is certainly not what I've chosen.
Even if I did choose this at some point, It's inappropriate that I can't remember the reason of my choice. Divided memories... A world without a memory.
What is my true memory, anyway?
All I have are fragments of someone so distant, hardly resembling me now. Was I an idiot? Was I divine? Was I evil? Was I too good? I must've done something very wrong to go through this nameless despair.
Nameless...
This is despair, and yet it isn't. It's neither black or white. All I ever wanted was balance... but not like this.
I can't be vague anymore. One should always know who she or he is. If I don't want to know what's written inside me, how could I see anything? How could I be anything?
...Then again... I survive. I remain. I endure everything.
I resemble obedience too much, and yet, I can't do anything about it.
I don't want to believe that I have a Master, there somewhere, who's watching over me, looking for to my duty of fulfilling some outrageous cause.
What is this cause anyway?!?
Lately, more and more often I get angry over it all. My nerves are breaking up. It wasn't supposed to be like this... My essence is calm, reasonable, optimistic.
Or it used to be. I don't really know what my essence is anymore.
Is it all a fairytale?
Maybe the course of my life is just some weirdo's imagination. Maybe I live only in someone's dream.
If it is so, if we are just someone's imagination, who are our dreamers? And does it even matter if we know who they are?
I can't reach my maker. And I don't want to.
I just want to be my own.
But... is it a two-edge sword?
Actually, I don't know what it's like to be on my own.
Ever since I was born, I had such a strong feeling of protection over me. It was never gone, not even when I felt the deepest sorrow and despair.
If I don't know what it's like, then... am I capable to survive on my own?
I know the answer, of course. I certainly am not.
What should I do, then???
It's clear that I feel a deep scorn like this. And it's getting worse in time.
I'm becoming something I just don't want to be... Something I've always resented the most.
Senseless.
It's true.
My emotions are fading away by the day.
My heart is bestoning with every disappointment it endures.
I fight with it. I have to. If I become senseless, my loved ones won't be my loved ones anymore... And there will be no one to take care of their spirits. They will be lost if my emotions are gone.
There... It seems that so much depends on me, and yet I feel so insignificant.
Am I really needed?
And we are there again, in a full circle:
What is all this for?
I don't know why I need a reason, but I do.
I was afraid of saying or even thinking "I don't know".
But I really don't know.
So this is another dead-end.
I wish I could figure out something this time, but it turned out to be simply venting.
I'm tired of venting.
I'm tired of arguing with the one who won't ever reply. I guess as an ordinary human, I'm not worthy of a decent replica.
Silence hurts...
I did find out something, though.
I've stopped asking myself "where".
Actually, it's "when".
This blasted Wheel of Fate is unnerving.
I feel as if it's a disgrace for my essence.
If so, then... my essence must be...
But I already knew that.
