Nije da nije

Izvinite sto je na engleskom. . .

...he takes another train again... whatever that song goes like.

This is a very short message to all the girls out there.

You know when you kind of have - a thing? for someone? It's like, you don't know really why, oh why??? do you like that particular person. You spend some time brainstorming and trying to find excuses like...

"Oh, his an a$$hole - he had a rough childhood" 
"He has no friends - he is just a bit shy"
"He is a pothead - he needs an artistic way to express himself and that poor sould needs to escape the cruel world around him".

I am writing this because I had a revelation on this topic from a view point of a good friend. My friend, as described before - had a thing - for this... Guy? Can we even call him a guy? He was more like an impersonal entity, a shallow shell that can be filled with what she wanted him to be. That's the bush in which the rabbit lies - lol - an old Serbian proverb, sorry - meaining that that's the catch.
We don't like THEM, we like what we want them to BE.
That's why we fall for the worst of the worst, and they just keep attracting us again and again.

I am so sick of being haunted by the ghosts of the past.
And uhm It's been going on for years, but now, after this - I can finally say, I'm free.
I don't NEED you. I don't want YOU. I wanted something you weren't.
After such a long time, I finally get it. Thank you.

I am so sorry if I've hurt you, too. Somehow I would always blame you for all my problems. But I know you don't care, that's the catch lol.

 

Kljucni momenat

Ljudi imaju boljih razloga da se zale. Znam. Ali svejedno, posto je zivot sada dobar, moram da se zalim na ono sto me nervira, na ono sto ga udaljava od skoro savrsenog. Nemam jogurta. Ovi Ameri nikada ne kupuju ono sto ja volim da jedem - hrana je jedna od najvecih izvora rasprava. Studenti su, razumem, nema za sta mis da ih ugrize, i hvala im sto su me prihvatili da budem njihov student na razmeni, ali opet... Milion puta sam rekla host - kevi da me vodi u kupovinu kada ide u nabavku... Da li je to ikad uradila? Ne.
Necu da jedem sundjer, hocu da jedem pravi hleb. Necu da pijem kiselo mleko, hocu jogurt. Necu americki shredded chedar, hocu pravi trapist - pivnicki! Necu krofnu, hocu mekiku. Necu pitu sa sirom, hocu burek! Necu da me voze u skolu, hocu da pesacim! Necu da jedem njihove slatkise, i necu da krkam cipseve. Muka mi je od njihove hrane i njihovog odnosa prema zivotu. Zasto se nikad ne grle? Kakvi su to ljudi koji se nikad ne grle?
... Kakvi su to ljudi?
 Nedostaje mi kuca.

Dosla

Mora da sam vremenom zaglupela jer nisam mogla da se setim u kojoj se drzavi nalazim. Listam ja redom, Slovakia, Spain, Senegal... Ser, Ser, ne ser-ite pa gde je ovde SERBIA!? A onda, usred srede pise “SRBIJA”; jedina drzava na listi ciji je naziv na srpskom. Dobro sam je i nasla, umalo se nisam rodila u Senegalu. Ne kazem da bi to bilo lose, ali kad nisam.

 

Dobar dan, ja dosla.

 

Zovem se Aleks, pisala sam i pre i pisacu i dalje, menjam mesto . Pisem na papiru, koricama udzbenika iz algebre, zidovima, unutrasnjim vratima ormana, marginama tekstova, po celu mladjeg brata kada spava (hehe). Uvek sam pisala i uvek hocu. Verujem u slobodu izbora, sladoled kao glavno jelo, demokratiju kad je sve po mome i u vremensku prognozu.